Five years later ...

It's been 5 years since I signed out of my 40's in the midst of Covid. The blog took a well needed pause but life thankfully has continued. GASP, God bless him is still married to me, I am 55, have changed jobs twice, my eldest started college, the youngest 15 and doing his junior cert and Bigfoodiemama is now Bigfoodiemenopause ! For my 50th birthday The Mad One had my entire blog printed into a book, fulfilling my life long dream of writing a book. I might not have an entire book in me but I have enough different chapters for a fullsome publication. If you asked me why I haven't written for 5 years, I guess it was more that the chapters stopped writing themselves in my head for a while. I think " the change" was partly responsible. My creativity took a bit of a nose dive but I took up gardening ( not digging , the potted plant variety!) and that seemed to scratch an itch and many evenings sitting outside in our little " mediterranean" with a glass in hand , enjoying company or solitide. I still love pottering about outside, can't pass a German retailer without buying another plant or some solar lights and truthfully have killed as many plants as I have grown...note to self; only buy if " hardy" ! HRT has been a game changer ...those litle adhesive patches have held my marriage together , as for a while GASP was married to a woman with erratic moods, restless legs, dry eyes, hot feet, leg cramps and a rage that should have made him fear for his life...now he has got back a semblence of the old BFM...think he might have opted to tweak a few parts but hey ho ! I've joined another type of gardening club though....those who tend or attend the graves of loved ones. I had escaped membership for a very long time but the last 5 years has seen three major blog characters leave my life; MIL (GASP's mother) The Scot (my BFF) and Fat Freddie ( my Dad). These 3 people were hugely influential in my life and all 3 adored by me. Their loss, although part of what everyone endures at some point, were major life moments and the legacy of each of them is what they taught me and what I continue to try to remember every day. The Scot , my adopted sister since I met her aged 18 on my first day in college, was a loyal and true friend.Two years ago this weekend, just before her 64th birthday she found out she had Stage 4 cancer and was given " months" to live. She didn't tell me until I returned from a holiday in Portugal, as she didnt want to ruin mu holiday even though her life had fallen apart. That's what she was like...she put my happiness above her own, sadly never considering herself worthy of being put first. This news was shocking and sickening in equal measure. I flew over for the first of many weekends in Edinburgh to be with her, but it soon became apparent that my job was not only to serve as a listening ear, but more importantly as a distraction. Our friendship had been punctuated with food and drink since day one...we met in a pub , so we decided that the bucket list would consist of places we wanted to eat, places she wanted me to eat and places she didn't want to set foot in but ended up in .Through gradually increasing discomfort, fatigue and fear the Scot, in her inimitable way threw herself into living , distracting herself with playing her tin whistle as local sessions, giving in to pain relief only when she had to and planning our next meals. We ate Pad Thai in the window of a local Thai take away with a recipient of an MBE, ate Pizza and drank Champagne with a group of her friends who had no idea she was sick...I had to drink her share as she lost alot of her love for drinking ( and believe me she loved drinking !) We had afternoon tea in Mimi's Bakehouse in Leith with The Angel V, Pasta in a tiny Italian spot, Burrata with heirloom tomoatoes in Valvona and Crolla, Tapas in Cafe Andaluz, Breakfast in Dishoom, queued for exotic ice cream from Mary's Milkmarket, made Strawberry dacquiris from scratch and tested americanos acrosss the entire city, until she settled on her 10/10...the previous one being in Ravello in Italy 25 years beforehand ! Without most of them knowing she was so ill, she met up with friends from all over the world for lunch, dinner or coffee as she wanted to enjoy their company as a distraction, not as the centre of attention. Her longstanding bad back was blamed for any discomfort or reason to head off a little earlier than usual. Between us we spoke of her treatment Brittney ( chemo as " Toxic") and Christina ( Aguilera ) her morphine. Early on I had to advise her that I could not be expected to clear out the contents of her extensive drinks cabinet but happily went to work on the Pinot Grigio. I had always wanted to go to a restaurant down the road from her apartment but she had always resisted as she had beef with the chef who owned it, based on a newspaper article 12 years earlier where he had been accused of pocketing tips. The Scot had a strong moral code so had banned herself from this establishment, although it was beside her, reknowned and she had literally eaten in every other establishment along that road. GASP came over for a weekend and based on his love of all things beef, I asked her if she would consider going ...she very reluctantly gave in. When she saw the pure joy on GASP's face as he bit into a Wagyu beef burger, she was thrilled as she lived to see the enjoyment of others and providing only the best culinary experiences. We had discussed the choice of " death row dinner" for many years but it now took on a new meaning and with the glee of a child The Scot recalled living in Africa and her father bringing home Lobster for Sunday lunch. She never treted herself to such an extravagant meal but we made a deal that I was " allowed" to take her for Lobster. Soon after The Scot entered hospital and her closest friends took it in turn to ensure she had company and was cared for, for what ended up being her final home. Angel A, Angel V , Angel J and Angel M put their lives on hold and we created wonderful moments in the hospital room. As always when I flew over the subject was food . Her decision was that after my " shift", before I returned for the evening, I should be sent off to experience some of the remaining places on the list, take photos, bring back a morsel and in the evening as the ward got quiet and the lights dimmed, we would discuss at length what I thought of her recommendation and she tasted whatever cake ( from Mimi's) , icecream ( from special freezer containers from Mary's milkbar) or cocktail I had brought ( turns out you get quite a buzz off a wee tin of Pina Colada when you have abit of Christina on board !) When her "little" brother came over the time had come to supply the Lobster so we took off in a taxi to The Fishmarket restaurant and her brother stood in a queue for 40 minutes to get a Lobster Thermidore which was back on the ward in 10 minutes, thanks to another taxi, and she got to have her Lobster . She didn't know that the restaurant was so busy we couldn't get a seat and had to grab a very mediocre meal in a restaurant next door. That moment was incredibly important , as that weekend was the last time her brother and I would be with her. He flew home to America in the knowledge he might not get back again in time and I flew home, due to return a few days later for her birthday. I got Covid so could not fly to her, she took a turn for the worst and passed away peacefully surrounded by her Angels, 2 days before her 65th birthday, one year from her diagnosis. A year has passed...today would be her 66th birthday ...It took me until 2 weeks ago to go back to the Fishmarket. We didn't get to have our Lobster at the same time but I was with her for hers and I truly believe she was with me when I ate mine. I hope there's a long dining table in Heaven with fascinating people who love food, company and wine. If The Scot has anything to do with it , she will be " guiding" the menu and there will be a mezze of flavours from all over the world with chilled white wine followed by strong coffee and a " wee dram" .Cheers my darling girl.